Mutant Asian Male Breaks Olympic High Jump Record

A new high jump record has been set by a Chinese male this afternoon, during an Olympic qualifying jump held in Singapore.  Known only by his alias, Turtle who entered the stadium as a spectator, leapt from his seat and over the participant currently jumping. "I almost pissed in my panties when I thought I saw something large hovering above me," said Ms ChaoOrh Lang during the interview, "but when I didn't see any balls I knew I was safe." Ms Lang went on to describe how she was hit by a shotput ball during her early years as a jumper. 

Turtle possesses an incredible ability to jump extreme heights despite his extra load in the form of what appears to be a large chitinous growth on his back and upper torso. According to an exclusive interview, it is revealed that the "shell" developed during Turtle's teenage years when he discovered his inability to remember lyrics. "Yes, I always hum, and can only hum. But see? I can still win!" Turtle exclaimed, patting his thick front cover. When asked how he was able to jump to such a great height, Turtle revealed that it was no secret after all. He had simply "double-jumped", which involved the motion of springing off from an imaginary point in the air. "Very simple what... Superman said it long ago - UP, UP and away!" Turtle motioned furiously in consecutive tapping motions with his left thumb.

Located in a secluded hill in Singapore, we managed to track down a known relative to Turtle, Mr Jay Tigee Yeep. "Turtle carries with him the Orthopedic Negation Gene (ONG), which allows him to perform seemingly impossible physical tasks. This gene mutated over time to form the stronger Dextro-Orthopedic Negation Gene (DONG) and the Weighty Orthopedic Negation Gene (WONG), both of which are present in seemingly smarter individuals." Before we could continue with our interview, Mr Yeep left the room in a hurry, muttering "Chee... chee..." to the tune of a song. It seems that Mr Yeep also hums, but likes to hum "chee".

Olympic judges have yet to finalise their decision on whether "double-jumping" is allowed in the high-jump arena. It is rumoured that Turtle, however, has also enrolled in the Olympic long jump qualifiers, as it had always been his pet event, earning him the title of "Long Jump ONG" or "LJ Ong" for short. The world awaits another record.